Amanda.

Another reason why breasts are bad, but ratchet sets are good.

2005-05-16T08:25:53Z

I had enough quarters around to do one load of laundry tonight, and enough random other change to still ride the bus in the morning. A little after 2am, I walked over to get the clothes out of the dryer, but found the door to the laundry room closed. And locked. Fun.

I knock, hoping someone is just having sex on the floor. No answer. So I go around to the side with the always-slightly-cracked windows. No one is having sex. :( I pry one of the screens off of the windows and try to open it all the way. It doesn't budge because they've got some sort of screw clamp on the window track. I try reaching in, but my arm is way to short. So, I do a backbend (yes, that skill has finally come in handy for something other than giving backward blowjobs in the shower!!) to slide my head and shoulders through the small opening, stopping, of course, when my breasts get in the way. I'm still an inch shy of the screw. I go home and grab some tools. Yes, I have my own ratchet set, which I love dearly. It was my favorite Christmas present one year! It works perfectly on the clamp screw, and I am able to climb through the window and onto the dryers.

I left the screen off and the clamp on the window sill, hoping that someone will get the idea that maybe the laundry room door shouldn't lock out people who are washing clothes in there.

artemismoon @ 2004-08-15T19:00:00

2004-08-16T00:01:16Z

fa77bbdbade296a2bbb3da52788eed05
http://www.ljmeme.com

artemismoon @ 2003-01-15T16:58:00

2003-01-15T23:10:14Z

But soft, what light from yonder monitor breaks
It is the East, and LJ is the sun.

I've been finding it hard to keep up with my friends' posts, much less locate the will to update.

There's really too much, or not enough worth writing about, depending on how you look at it. If you wanna know, give me a call. :-P

artemismoon @ 2003-01-01T18:18:00

2003-01-03T01:19:07Z

So the party went surprisingly well. I had fun.

The food was good and filling. Some people brought desserts in addition to the cocoa apple cake that my mom made. The poison was wonderful!!

I got many great presents, including: the aforementioned apple pie and homemade cookies, champagne, cherry cordials, lotions, Lilo & Stitch, perfume, a sweater for my stuffed Panda, a PDA, and a birthday party. All of the gifts are a perfect fit (except the handheld device, which was very thoughtful).

We played Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and my sisters won.

My turtle bit me for the first time while I was showing her off. Then I accidentally dropped her on the floor. Oops!

I think everyone else had a reasonably good time, too.

:)

artemismoon @ 2002-12-31T04:12:00

2003-01-01T10:17:01Z

you are cordially invited to attend a birthday dinner at my house. i don't know if we'll be having chimichangas or curry, but either way, it will be good. i'm thinking dinner will be at about 6pm, but anyone can show up before that. and we can play some games or watch a movie or something normal like that.

sound good? give me a call! don't leave me alone with my parents again!!! :P

Oh-so-pathetic...

2002-12-31T01:28:38Z

So I'm talking with a friend (who happens to be thewordnerd) last night (or actually it was the wee hours of morn) and we get on the topic of my birthday celebration. (For those of you who don't know, I'll be turning 21 on 1-1-03.) I start getting all excited, with visions of lots of friends and loved-ones dancing around, laughing.

Then I get in my bed and panic overtakes me. I realize that, though I may invite tons of people with whom I would love to bring in the new year, only three of us are likely to show up. And, as satyric pointed out, it would sound like the setup for a really bad joke... (A Jew, a birthday girl and a blind guy all walk into a bar on NYE...)!

Hiding under the covers in my bed sounds like the best option for a stress-free birthday.

Effectively using this forum to get advice...

2002-12-24T11:21:32Z

I'm posting this email I just wrote to a good friend, whom I met in first grade. She has invited me to come visit her in New Mexico, and is wondering why I may not be able to come.

I basically want feedback from anyone and everyone, because I know I have much to learn. If you would say, "Hey, my friend Bob went through something like this about a year ago! He might have some advice," feel free to give Bob the link. I'm even going to overlook sentences that begin with "When I was your age..." However, I ask that no one bash any religions in my journal.

Dearest Abby,

I'm sorry I didn't email sooner; the festivities went very late, as we decided to play a board game as a family. It was a surprisingly relaxed evening, and it felt almost normal.
To catch you up... In the middle of October, my parents went to NYC for a wedding. I allowed Brittany's boyfriend, Mark, as well as a couple of other friends to stay at our house and do some drinking. I stupidly wrote about it in my journal. Last week, I asked my Dad to fix my computer, and he discovered my livejournal.com account. The last time Britt did anything bad/illegal, our parents said that if she were caught again, she'd have to change schools and give up her car. There has been talk recently that not only would this happen, but she would be banned from seeing her boyfriend as well. In anticipation, Brittany and I have started to make plans to move out together by about mid January.

However, after speaking with Britt late tonight, it looks as though my parents may not follow through with their threats. First of all, it would be counterproductive to make her change schools with only a semester to go. Also, from what I've heard from Brittany, it seems like our father is sympathetic and is happy that Brittany is in love with her boyfriend, and he with her, and that she was not in any way pressured into having sex. So, with recent developments, it looks as though there may not be as much of a rush for me to move out of the house. But I can't say for sure, as Mom is usually more strict about these things, and she's the lady of the house these days. It seems like lately she's trying to push Britt and I away rather than using this crisis as time to grow closer and be more tolerant and loving of our differences.

I'm particularly upset that my parents felt that it was okay to ready my journal. Sure, most of it is on the web, but my father had access to all of the protected entries. They had to read very far back to get to anything incriminating... It's not as if they just stumbled upon it. Plus, any logical person would know that if I wanted them to read my journal, I'd send them a link. I wonder if they would read my journal if it were on paper, laying on my bed.

I'm a huge fan of openness and honesty, so here is where I get vulnerable:

It seems as if my whole world is crumbling right now, and as much as I would love to vacation and spend time with some of my favorite people in the world, I have this urgency in my spirit to get my life moving. It scares me to no end, and I'm not positive that I'm healthy enough physically or emotionally to hold down a full time job, much less move out and do it all on my own. Also, I don't feel like I have a source from which to draw strength. This would be an excellent time for a spiritual epiphany, but there isn't an instruction book for how to obtain one of those. I would normally be able to draw strength from the people around me who are supportive, but I'm feeling very alone. Sure, I've got tons of people in my life, particularly now. But in most of my relationships, I feel like I'm the supporter and comforter. I'd love to have someone hold me while I slept, even for a short nap, so I could get some quality sleep without nightmares. I want to feel protected. I know I'm lucky to have a safety net in my parents and friends, so that should I fall, they'll be there. But my parents aren't there for me emotionally. Even with them, particularly my mom lately, I feel like I'm the strong one.

Another oddity is the many people are suddenly asking me for advice on troubles in their life. I certainly don't mind lending an ear and a shoulder, plus I love to give my perspective and opinions. But I'm not exactly on easy street this month. I’m flattered that people feel comfortable coming to me, and that they think I’m levelheaded enough to give good and honest advice. And I don’t want anyone to stop coming to me, either. It’s just weird, particularly because I know I can often come across as cold and mean. To a lot of people, I’ve been a hardass, a taskmaster, just one of the guys. But I’m noticing this sensitive, more maternal side in me that I know has been here all along, but I ‘t remember if I’ve let anyone see it before. Apparently some people see it because they trust me with their problems.

I wish I could objectively go back to grade school and look at my behavior and interaction with people. When did I change, if I did, and why?

I’ve often said that one of the goals in life is to reconcile the different people you are in all of your situations. I know there’s a core person who is Amanda, comprised of her beliefs and abilities and feelings and knowledge and past, and I want to portray her to everyone as she truly is, sans fear and pain and misconceptions.

In order to do that, I have to figure out what my beliefs, abilities, feelings, etc. are. That’s probably going to take a lifetime to fully understand, and I’m willing to work for it. However, I need to figure some basic things out now in order to proceed with the rest of my life. For instance, what do I enjoy? What is my passion? I know that this can change a thousand times before I die, but I can’t think of what I really love right now. It seems like I’m in shock and sort of empty, and probably have been since I graduated from high school.

I remember having a very similar identity crisis in May of 2000. I was preparing for the senior awards ceremony, praying that I would be surprised by some sort of recognition. I confided in Cara that I thought I might get the QUEST award because, as far as I knew, I was the only senior who ever went to the QUEST room during lunch. She kindly said, “Perhaps you might get it.” All of my friends were and are amazingly talented and goodhearted people. They all received awards for their exceptional abilities. I particularly felt the fool when Cara received the QUEST award, and I left without honors. Sure, I’m pretty good at just about whatever I want to do, but I do nothing exceedingly well.
Lots of people have low self-esteem, but I can always say, “But hey, you’re an enchanting poet,” or “I don’t know anyone who can [verb] like you can.” Everyone I know has at least some redeeming quality. But what do my friends say when I tell them I don’t excel at anything? They say I’m a nice person, or that I’m interesting. Some venture to say that I’m funny, but I have to disagree there’I’m good at coming up with insults quickly. And really, who wants to be known for being mean?

My mother and many of my Christian friends would say that I’m hurting and/or lost because I’m not walking with Christ. But I know I’d be hurting and lost even if I were doing the good Christian girl thing’ I’d just be focusing on other things. They’d say that knowing that I’m a child of God and that I am loved would be fulfilling enough, but it isn’t. I’d still feel empty inside.

I long for a niche. I want a group of people to call my own. I want to get rid of this hero complex I have with my grade school friends. I want to stop looking for completion in men. I want to see the fruits of my life. How do you measure a man? By his deeds? That seems obviously shallow. Then by who he is inside? What defines who he is? I would think it’s his thoughts and actions, which leads us back to the deeds. Ugh.

I find this self-discovery both exciting and daunting. I want to talk to everyone I meet about it because they may come up with something new for me to ponder. To an extent, I’m proud of myself for insisting on growing, but I don’t think that there are any job opportunities in this field.

And I’m very tempted to spend my birthday alone this year. It’s supposed to be a particularly important birthday, one that I have made many plans for that somehow don’t seem interesting anymore. I wanted my father to make a wonderful dinner for my friends and I, complete with the 1982 red wine that he gave me for my 18th birthday. Then, all of us of legal drinking age would head downtown, where I would visit many interesting businesses and attempt to get a free alcoholic beverage at each, getting me so drunk that I will never do it again. But my family has fallen apart, and I don’t feel like celebrating the past year that I’ve wasted. And I don’t even have close friends to invite out to drink with me.

This is where I am right now.

Affectionately,
Amanda :)

Any comments and criticisms are welcome.

Don't try this at home, kids!

2002-12-21T19:53:29Z

I've just sewn my index finger and thumb together.

artemismoon @ 2002-12-19T15:44:00

2002-12-19T21:49:33Z

No internet access. No cell phone.

We have to cut off Satan's access to our lives. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!

So if anyone wants to contact me, call my home number. I'll try to check my email once a day via the library. My mom might let me use her computer for a few minutes a day. Lovely, eh?

She has good intentions.

And I have a great incentive to move out of the house.

Hey, check this out, yo.

2002-12-17T10:18:11Z

livejournal.meetup.com

Tuesday, December 17, 8pm
Ken's Doughnuts & Pastries, 2820 Guadalupe St, Austin, TX

Email from friend Cara... ACK!

2002-12-11T18:26:12Z

http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/Products.asp?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=05b5baa&RefPa

Hello,lovelies -

I got this link from a friend, clicked on it, and was
appalled to see that JC Penney is selling a model of a
bombed-out house with an American soldier standing
proudly on top. I thought it was a hoax, but I've
double-checked the website's validity and it's true.
Egads.

Please write JC Penney to complain - stridently, if
you're feeling up to it. This is really inexcusable.

You can click on "contact us," "customer service," and
then "email us" to write them a complaint.

VROOM VROOM!

2002-12-10T08:58:26Z

An adjuster from my insurance company came out to look at my car today. She said it would most likely be totaled, and was nice enough to set me up with a rental car for several days. Now I can drive more than five miles at time and not worry that my vehicle will explode... Thus begins the search for another Honda. This is getting old.

Little Red Riding Beatnik

2002-12-09T09:28:41Z

I finally ventured of the property last night, and did some reading at B&N. My hair was wet, so I put it up in a beret. Then I grabbed my mom's red cloak instead of my coat to avoid wearing all black. I must have looked insane, but Meg and Ben were kind enough not to say anything. They called me and met me there after their play. I told them that they could locate me in the store by following the young tot who was continuously making a brbrbrbrb brbrbrbrb sound with her lips. She was adorable, decked out in holiday colors.

I need to ask Jane if I can babysit Gabriel sometime soon to get my baby fix. I can't believe he's already a year old!

Abby came by for a visit this evening. I would have rather gone to her place, but I didn't feel good leaving Mom at home alone (especially because Brittany was out playing pool with Dad.) Unfortunately, Adam wasn't feeling particularly social this evening; he seems like a good kid, and I'd like to get to know him better. Any man who can keep up with Abby deserves much respect.

Bre finally has internet access in her Berlin apartment, and it's been GREAT to chat with her again. She was kind enough to let me know that after four years, the shock of her parents' divorce hasn't completely gone away. Sounds great, eh?

artemismoon @ 2002-12-08T03:16:00

2002-12-08T09:22:57Z

Ah. Life is... yeah, that's about it. Life just is today.

I'm officially back in Austin. To stay. (For at least a few weeks.) I had plenty of time to cry and simultaneously ignore family issues while in Mission. It was probably a good thing that I was alone for a while.

Mom's coping capabilities are lessening. We're having some good bonding time, though. Last night we watched Lilo & Stitch, and I eventually was able to get her into bed at about 4am. She's been numbing herself with computer games. I should never have introduced her to popcap.com.

When I woke up this "morning", Dad was working in the back yard on the pool and lawn. I felt like I should be kind, and offered him lunch. We ate outside together because he's not allowed in the house. Mom sat in the living room and cried. On the up side, Dad took my computer with him, and he intends to fix it for me, since he has all that spare time on his hands. He must be lonely, and I can't decide whether I care or not.

Mom and I half-jokingly refer to my father as "the pool man".

We hung (or hanged?... but i think that's only for humans) Christmas lights today. Just a few over the garage door, and I put together "the cross" for Mom. (I did it without cursing, which seems to be a feat my father could never accomplish.) It was nice to use a hammer and screwdriver again. I miss it.

I finished Stranger in a Strange Land last night. I'm still chewing on it, internalizing the truths I like, and spitting out those that don't mesh with my world-view. It's interesting that my grandfather has read the book several times and still manages to be the jackass that he is. I wonder if he could somehow justify dismissing the lessons of the book because he "met 'Bob' Heinlein at a camp" (which is his code word for nudist colony... as if I wouldn't figure it out). He's the type to think he's above taking advice from anyone, particularly someone he knows. Then I stop and think: if I'm so much like my father, and he like his, could I dislike Grandpa so much because I have the same character flaws, but ignore them as well?

Off I go, in search of the illusive Sandman.

I miss my music.

2002-12-05T08:33:59Z

I'm going home tomorrow. Haven't been extremely useful this week, and I'm starting to fall into depression. I've been in a holding pattern for a month, and it's driving me up the wall. There's so much to do back in Austin, and it scares me, but I know that keeping busy will help tremendously.

Monique is staying with Mom and Britt for a few days. She and Ryan had another big fight. I look forward to joining the party.

Planning on leaving McAllen at 11:15am and arriving in Austin at either 5:45pm or 6:10pm, depending on which bus I can get on. I can pray that I get my own seat.

I was tired, but couldn't fall asleep last night, so I took a few shots of tequila. Usually I would fall asleep within half an hour, but no, not last night. I had the windows open, and the clack-clack of the train (continuously for 2 hours!) was not helping. I was a pair of pants short of walking the 1/4 mile to the tracks and offering the nice engineer man sexual favors if he would stop the train so I could sleep. It's occurring to me now that pants would be erroneous with that sort of proposal.

"It ain't a perty sight, a prairie dog turned inside-out..."

2002-12-02T07:39:35Z

How does the rest of that line go? Something about a

I had planned on going to sleep early to make up for my lost nap, but Brittany called just as I was falling into half-conscious thought. She has gotten her first speeding ticket. 87 in a 65 on her way back from Houston. And last time she went to visit Mark she got THREE flat tires. It suddenly hit me: my family and I have very bad Carma. We must all move at once to a city with excellent mass transportation and refuse to visit anyone who lives out of town.

Today I received many compliments on my good looks. The most shocking came from Grandma who said, "You're a cute girl." Usually, when she feels the need to use her few words on me, she likes to ask what I'm going to do with my hair. "It's already done, Grandma. You should be glad I even brush it." Last year, when the family came down to visit after her stroke, the first thing she managed to say to Brittany was, "You got fat!"

With my aunt and grandmother around, I'm no longer the red-headed step child. I actually look like part of the family. I'm the only grandchild who inherited Grandma's hair, skin and eyes, so it's going to be quite a chore keeping these recessive genes in the family.

While cutting up Grandma's dinner, I dropped one of those little pats of butter with the poster board backing. It landed butter-side up. I'm sure that this has created a great disturbance in the force, as I have inadvertently broken a cosmic law, and we should expect some sort of natural disaster in India within the next 24 hours. I apologize in advance.

How much of a book should one read before giving up on it? I've read approximately 12% of Islandia (which is about 1000 pages long), and I'm still having a hard time getting into it. If it were some potato chip novel [as satyric would say], I would just finish it. But a thousand pages seems daunting, considering it will mostly be descriptions of landscapes. Should I wade through at least a fifth of it before I make my decision?

Great conversations with both Cara and Abby last night. Cara's farming went well, she's learned much Spanish, and fell in like with a friend in Scotland for many reasons that I approve of. She is not going to Presidio to learn about adobe architecture. YAY! Abby and Adam have been winterizing the cabin in Cloudcroft, NM and have kept busy substitute teaching. They are a bit lonely, and have invited me to return with them next week. However, I want to spend much time with Mom, so I'll start planning a trip to visit at a later date. Hopefully Cara and Emily and I can trek up there the week after Christmas. All those girls (and Adam) are so incredible and intimidating with their intelligence and creativity. I wonder if they would still hang out with me if we hadn't grown up together.

The problem with a trip out of state for New Years' is that I would have to cancel my birthday plans. I don't know how I feel about that. I'll have to make a pro and con list.

Easy as pie charts.

2002-12-01T05:35:09Z

We are out of pie. I think that the period of giving thanks should end when the last piece of pie in the house has been eaten. I should no longer be required to be thankful for anything. I shouldn't have to smile lovingly at my grandmother, nor laugh politely at my grandfather's jokes, nor appear to ponder the "words of wisdom" that my aunt spills out whenever we're alone. And you know what the worst part of all this is? The fact that we're out of pumpkin pie. I'll have to find a different kind of sugar with which to console myself.

Mom's doing better... hasn't cried for a couple of days. Now I don't feel so guilty for leaving.

"Do they live in Buda or Pest?"

2002-11-30T05:27:04Z

My cousin-in-law, Joshua Seely, wrote a Letter to the Editor. He and his wife have lived in Budapest for about 1.5 years. I like how he manages to insult more than one people group at a time, and I hope that the newlywed couple suffers no bodily harm.

I'm ready to go home now. Maybe I can convince a family member or friend to come down and visit me next weekend?

I won our game of Swedish-Rummy!!! Aunt Robin says that you're either lucky in love or lucky in cards. I won by almost 700 points, so what does that say about my love life?

Relapse

2002-11-29T07:33:09Z

Yer Eyes

"You ask me how can I love you
You said that I was the prize
You don't know what I see in you
But then you can't look deep in yer eyes

You said that you were afraid
I was only going through a phase
You don't know how I can love you
Oh, let me count the ways

The way you make me sigh
When you whisper in my ear
The way you make me cry
Then kiss away my tears
The way that you want me
To do it over again and again and again
The way that I love you
Some people think it's a sin

You ask me how can I love you
You said that I was the prize
You don't know what I see in you
But then you can't look deep in yer eyes

The way you turn me on
Oh, the way you treat me right
The way we giggle at dawn
The way we wiggle all night
The way that we fit like
Two spoons in a drawer
The way that we make love
'Til all four legs are sore

Is it your hair so red?
Could it be your skin so fair?
Is it something you said?
Or maybe something that you did on a dare?
Is it your grace and style?
Could it be your charm and wit?
Is it your sexy smile?
Or what you do to me with it?

You ask me how can I love you
You said that I was the prize
You don't know what I see in you
But honey, you can't look deep in yer eyes."

The Therapy Sisters. A little juvenile, I know. But so FUN! It has a nice beat to which I like to salsa. I should go out dancing sometime this week, if I can find the right place.

It's not easy being green-eyed

2002-11-29T07:21:06Z

I never thought that I would miss my mother this much. We've never been terribly close, but in the past week we've grown together, and it's tearing me up to not be with her today. I know she's got my other sisters with her, but it's not the same. Monique is going to go home tonight, and Brittany may not take the time to tuck Mom in like I've been doing.

But hey, let's not dwell on all this sad crap, right?

On our way out of town, Dad and I stopped at Pho 75 for dinner. We walked in expecting the usual "Hi, how'doon?" from the waitress, but she wasn't there. She had a baby boy the night before last, but her husband (or maybe father?) came to our table and said, "Hi, how you doin'?" more articulately than we expected. It was so amusing.

I woke up this morning, barely able to get my eyes to open half way. There must be something in the air down here that I'm allergic to. The combination of the allergies, turkey and wine made me so sleepy, that I took a nap in the evening and didn't wake up until 9:30pm. I had such horrible dreams involving several car accidents in a row that had me in tears. And the family dynamic in all of my dreams is messed up, too. I keep trying to get my parents back together based on mathematical proofs, but it never works out.

"Oh, babe, I hate to go"

2002-11-28T08:24:20Z

I made it to the border without physically harming my father. And, in fact, the trip wasn't so bad. We had amiable conversation, and Dad gave me a history lesson, which I always enjoy. Eventually I asked about visitation: whether or not he would like to set a night of the week to see me or Brittany or both of us. The conversation turned, and we didn't come to a conclusion. Overall, I think he's headed in the right direction. I don't think his heart is truly broken, but perhaps that will come in time.

As for me, I didn't know what I had until it was gone. I'm grieving the loss of the family and the relationship with my father that I will never have again. Perhaps more time in Mission will be good for me? I doubt it. If anyone can think of a good reason for me to come back to Austin with my father on Saturday, please, let me know!

"You look like
A perfect fit
For a girl in need
Of a tourniquet

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks
Of the freaks
Who suspect
They could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell
Of the hunger strike

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks
Of the freaks
Who suspect
They could never love anyone

You struck me dumb
Like radium
Like Peter Pan
Or Superman
You will come
To save me
C'mon and save me
If you could save me..."

-Aimee Mann

I need to post some Therapy Sisters lyrics soon, while they're still fresh in my head.

To Hell... and back, eventually.

2002-11-27T23:05:27Z

Heading back down to Mission today. I don't know what I'm going to say during the 6 hour drive with my father. Over the past few days, I've been feeling less hurt by and more angry at him. I'd like to hurt him deeply, but I'll probably take the high road and kill him with kindness. I hope that the orgasms were worth it to him.

I just spoke with my grandfather, and he thinks it would be a good idea if I were prepared to stay past Saturday. I'm dreading all of this.

artemismoon @ 2002-11-25T21:38:00

2002-11-25T06:53:36Z

I break out the huge diamond ring during the trip to Mission for two reasons: it shows my grandmother that I love her(?); and, after the whole married-man-trying-to-get-in-my-pants ordeal, I can use it as a ring of protection. I'm 85% more invisible from predators! The black matching X's on my hands at the Drafthouse had the same effect.

The past couple of days have been odd. Yeah, I think that's the best adjective. Brittany and I take turns doing Mommy checks. She periodically breaks down in tears if she's alone for too long, or doesn't have anything to do. I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through.

So all of this has made me reevaluate how I think of love and relationships. I've always thought of my parents as soul mates; they are best friends, business partners, and still madly in love with each other (except that my father likes to fuck prostitutes). Their relationship set the standard for me, and I had hoped to find a man who would love me as much as my father loves my mother. But I'm finding that his love isn't as pure as I had assumed, and I wonder if I've just been kidding myself.

I've been trying to stay away from any love songs lately--they're just depressing. So when I realized that I had been singing "When I'm 64" repeatedly in the shower today, I decided that I could use a dose of Radiohead. Not exactly cheery music, but depressing in a different way.

Friends, family and even strangers have been surprisingly supportive, and I appreciate the kindness I've been shown. People have seemed more than willing to lend an ear, give advice, attempt to take my mind off of the situation, or to make fun of the recent turn of the events with me. Tonight at the Advanced Civilization game, someone commented that my life sounds like a country music song, and asked if I have a truck or a dog. Sadly, I have no dog, but stories of my turtle with a missing eye and a gimp leg should complete any twangy tunes that I compose. It was great to laugh so hard. And I'm not losing anymore!!!

Trying to be a pillar of strength for Mom, Brittany and even Dad has been draining. I see myself as the comforter in most of my relationships, and have found it difficult to draw any lasting strength from others. My sleep has been restless, and I keep having bad dreams.

I'm complaining too much. My heart is filled with hope, but for the distant future. Worse things have happened to better people.

And the whole getting drunk thing didn't work as planned. I had about eight shots of tequila in five minutes, and Brittany kept assuring me that I'd be feeling it any minute. After an hour I felt a bit woozy and tired, but was functioning in essentially normally and I didn't even get the giggles.

I'm going to get really drunk for the first time in my life.

2002-11-23T05:44:00Z

The day started, and I was excited to go home. Depressed, though, because I knew nobody would be waiting to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I didn't cry while I was with my Grandma. I didn't cry until I had been on the road for an hour, and then only a little. I felt guilty for coming home when I didn't *have* to, but I definitely needed the rest from the craziness that is my grandparents.

Got in a car accident 3 miles from my house.

Dad's been cheating on Mom. They're getting a divorce.

She's got a tumor in her lung. Might be cancerous.

On the road again...

2002-11-22T17:04:10Z

I'm going home today! Woohoo! Please, feel free to call me between 1 and 7 to keep me awake.